My first blog....

alone in the crowd anxiety community Aug 30, 2023

Hello there to anyone reading this! My name is Bethany. 

 I am so excited; I don't quite know where to begin! I have never "written" before. (Only in my own personal journals and diaries from time to time.) Even then, I never did it consistently. I will give this my best shot.

OK, I am a 44-year-old mama of one amazing 15-year-old son and wife to a wonderful husband of almost 17 years. This tiny section of the internet is my place to spill the beans about being a gal with some struggles...if anyone should want to read it. Maybe you can relate. Who knows? Maybe we can help each other. 

I gained an amazing friend last year. A beautiful friend named KJ. She is the reason I am now feeling full of possibilities at the moment, after a really rough day. (Not to mention the most difficult and sad year and a half of my life.) On Easter Sunday of 2022, I lost my precious mother, my very best friend, to cancer. We were as close as it gets. SO very close. Time does help... but only a tiny bit. You never miss lost loved ones any less, you just keep going. So many days are still extremely hard and full of tears. Some days have many distractions, which can help-to some degree. The peace of knowing she is with Jesus, pain free and I will hug her again one day is what I have to hold on to, and something I look so forward to.

The story of my friendship with KJ began when my son met her daughter through an online educational program.  They are both home schoolers (high school) and they became friends (rather quickly) through a class they were both taking. They began talking every night via video chat. Long story short, their friendship endured, and they grew even closer. Young love is so sweet! We ended up taking a road trip and meeting them in person, as they lived in Maine and we live in Tennessee. Our friendship grew. There were just so many similarities between our kids and our families.

Now they live closer, and we are able to see each other more! I feel truly grateful to God for the way everything has come to be. It still blows my mind!!

 I am here writing this blog because of KJ. She has definitely been exposed to my weirdness, or quirks or whatever anyone wants to call it. My low self-esteem. (Insert that sound when you lose on a gameshow.) She understands my insecurities, my self-deprecating jokes, my endless worries and struggles. She gets it. She likes me even though I am kind of...yes, a weirdo. I shared with her what I had been dealing with recently, with beginning a new job that totally overwhelmed me and how it invoked those same feelings I had back in school. Middle school, high school, college.. (Heck, let's be honest... It never went away.) The feeling that I never fit in. It isn't lack of personality or friendliness. I have just always had few friends. Good ones, mind you, but not a great deal of real friends. I am exceptional at making myself seem goofy. I just have a knack for that. Yay. I have dealt with feeling inferior for most of my life, like I just wasn't good enough or "cool" enough...even though deep down I knew that wasn't true. This wasn't due to a bad childhood either. I had an IDEAL childhood and have an amazingly wonderful, generous, super-fun family that loves me. It just seemed like people I met always already had their "groups" of friends and knew each other and I was always kind of an "extra" if that makes any sense at all...

I was bullied on and off throughout school, as are so many others every day. I am not trying to whine and feel sorry for myself, but that's just how it was. I lived life constantly nervous, especially walking by a group of people. (Don't get me started on that.) Whether it was because of my weight or because I liked to dress uniquely and have original style, because I cut my hair short or because I was quite sensitive and a people pleaser, I was an easy target. It can be devastating to a young person to be teased or bullied. In fact, it can destroy their life. It sure did a number on mine. I am still battling the consequences every single day. Even though I know I am never truly alone, because God never leaves us, it is easy to feel alone in certain situations. Those insecure thoughts have a tendency to always find their way back, when so much of your life and dreams have been affected by them.

I am here writing this blog because I want to share experiences of living life as a woman with many insecurities, the feeling of not fitting in, how it affects your relationships and every aspect of your life and a million other little things that are daily struggles for this gal. I hope to hear from others that can relate. I would truly love to learn more from folks with similar stories. 

Until next time,





Oh sweet Bethany!  I'm SO excited to walk this road with you.

Man, can I related.  I can't tell you how many times I've felt "alone in the crowd".  That has been a long road of change for me.  Isaiah 41:10 says "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  But no matter how many times I read it, I still felt alone.  No one could possibly understand my struggles, right?

The insecurity, the doubts...led me to such a negative place.  Somewhere along the way, I discovered I'm NOT alone.  I can't wait to watch your discovery along the way.

You, my sweet friend, are an amazing woman and so many will relate to your heart.  

Love ya,