The Fear of Failing. Am I Good Enough?

 Oh my! This seems to be an appropriate topic at the moment. I am still honestly terrified attempting this blogging adventure! (Deep breath!) I mean, I could talk to you in person and seriously mess up about every other sentence that comes out of my mouth, but here I am typing away!  

 I honestly never imagined that I would be posting my crazy thoughts online for people to see. It feels quite strange yet liberating at the same time! This blog is a perfect example of something I definitely doubt my ability to do well. More than likely I would have talked myself right out of it, had I not been so sweetly encouraged to do this. You know what? This very second, I am questioning if anyone would even remotely want to read what I am typing. See? Doubting myself is literally a part of everything I do. Embarrassing, table for one!!

 Fear of failure has knocked me out of soooo many things. Fear of messing up, fear of the fact that I can so easily say things that make me sound like an idiot, fear of not looking good enough, fear of germs (wait…I will save that one for another day!) You name it… I have chickened out of it. Mmmmm…chicken. Sorry, I got sidetracked.

SO...I have always adored singing. I have quite a musical family. I started singing with my mama when I was a wee tot. She could sing so well! (Think Karen Carpenter style.) She introduced me to such great music at an early age and is the reason it is such an important part of my life. Before her cancer and treatments began, we would have karaoke get togethers quite often. My mama (Debbie💗) and her siblings; Jo, Ronnie and Susan, would all come over and "sing up a storm" along with the rest of my sweet family. I will always cherish those fun and crazy times. 

 I sang in talent shows galore and at school events all through my growing up years. It was the only thing that made me feel like I had an ounce of worth when I was at school. During my senior year, I received a full vocal scholarship to a local university. Then, I quit. Yep. Brilliant, right?

 By 1998, I ended up singing for a local rock/80’s cover band. I adored performing, but never once felt actually comfortable. There were constant worries; Do I look fat? Are people going to make fun of me?  Even though I appreciated being unique, I have always let “what if I am not good enough?” win. 

 Eventually, I gave up on my dream of becoming a singer. I just didn't believe in myself, and the insecurities took over. There are so many things, tons of big and little things, that I have given up on because of "what if" or feeling less than everyone else. It is something that seems nearly impossible to stop, even to this day. I get angry with myself over it. You sure can “what if” your life away. Boy, have I wasted a good deal of mine doing that very thing! I am doing my best to keep my precious son from following in my footsteps. I pray he will follow his heart and go for his dreams! 

Until next time, 

Bethany

My son, Julian with my wonderful mama, Debbie.💗

COMMENTARY FROM KJ:

Oh Bethany...

This just about snapped me in two!  I could feel every single part of this.  You described me growing up to a tee!!  Well, except the ability to sing.  When I sing, I sort of sound like a cross between Kermit the Frog and that weird guy that lives down the street and yells at his dog a lot.

 Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not onto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path.

He will DIRECT YOUR PATH.

Think of a GPS that never gives you the wrong direction, but is holy, and loves you.  He directs you.  When we find ourselves flailing about in the sea of doubt, HE is right there.  Our anchor.  There's nothing to fear, because our anchor...He's a strong one.

Someday, and I hope soon, I hope you'll sing for me!  But please, let it be country music and you MUST wear fringe.

Love ya,

KJ